I want nothing more right now than to just, be. I want to live my life in total acceptance of what is and what is not. But I tell myself that if I am not accomplishing what I want to accomplish, then I am failing. I start thinking about how I need to be doing more. And if not, then I am failing.
How am I to know that I am failing? I am no fortune teller. I have no way of knowing what is going to happen, or why my life is playing out the way that it is. Why do I feel so insistent on worrying about things that are out of my control? Why do I think that the worst-case scenario is happening when the opposite could be just as true?
What if the struggle, the impatience, the sadness, the anger, is all just preparing me to handle whatever is befalling me? What if I need to live through this, to become the person that I seek, or that God knows that I can be? When I write these words, I immediately remember. This is the truth.
When I think back to the many other times that I have felt this, I remember that this is exactly what has happened. In all honesty, these feelings used to be so much more unmanageable, so far out of my control. Nowadays, these feelings are fleeting, they don’t hold as much space in my heart. But they are still there.
Maybe they never leave. It would be safe to say that they won’t and that this is a part of being human. But it doesn’t mean that I have to succumb to my worries. My worries are not me. My worries two years ago are not the same worries that I have now. My worries now are not the same worries that I will have two years from now. So, if this is the case, why I am worrying about anything at all?
Today, I accept that my life may not play out exactly how I thought it would. Today, I accept that I am seeking a life that is in accordance with God. Today, I remember that I am the way that I am for a reason. Today, I acknowledge to myself and to the world that I will become the person that I know I can be. Change doesn’t happen overnight; it’s a lifelong journey to see yourself become the final version of yourself.
Despite my frustrations, I am to remain grateful for everything, this is non-negotiable.
The life that I have now is a life that I wished for in the past. I may feel like it’s time for change, and change may happen, but I also know that if I were to lose everything today, I would look back on this moment and shed a tear thinking back to how beautiful this journey has been up to this point.
The hourglass runs out for every person, regardless of title, status, or importance. And when this happens, did any of this really matter? One day, every memory that I have made, will be a thing of the past. So, in this understanding, why not relinquish all my desires, all my fears, and anything that might be making my life harder than it needs to be?
Life plays out like the tides in the ocean. Rising. Falling. Rising. Falling. Calm. Rising. Falling. Life is never supposed to be comfortable. I just heard a quote that I felt is perfect for this piece, and it goes something like, “A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.” Life is a rough ocean. The waves never stop coming, crashing down in all directions. The courage to keep navigating the ocean is what makes us stronger, otherwise we drown. And the best part is that the rough waters allow us to appreciate the times when the waves stop crashing, and the ocean is motionless.
We know what uncertainty is like. We know what struggle is like. We dealt with it. And the result of dealing with it is strength, peace, and gratitude for having gone through it.
Life is supposed to be a journey, into the unknown. Godspeed.
