One of the most bittersweet things about growing up is looking back in hindsight and seeing where you were and where you are now. In your past, you only knew what you knew in that moment. You didn’t know what you know now. You didn’t experience what you experience now. Your perception of life was much more limited compared to now.
I was going through all my old pieces that I have written about; I probably have twenty or so pieces that I had both published and kept in the drafts. As I was reading them, and these are pieces that I wrote myself, mind you, I found myself disagreeing with was being written. It was a strange experience. I remember a time when I used to embody what I was writing about. But I don’t relate to the extent that I would still write those pieces at this point in my life. It was almost as if I was reading a different person’s writing rather than my own.
I used to be so big on self-actualization. To me, becoming the ultimate version of yourself was the ultimate goal in life. Self-improvement was the ultimate journey. Finding yourself of the highest priority. Almost all my pieces deal with one of these topics. This whole blog was made for these topics.
I’m not saying these aren’t important or that I don’t believe that you should strive to be the best person you can be. But I was wrong in the most critical aspect of self-actualization and personal growth. Forcing it. Trying to do it by myself.
I’ve lived a lot of live over the past few years. Lot of ups, lots of downs. I’ve had seasons in my life in which I was living life to the fullest, and others where life was a constant state of repetition and stagnation.
I was going through my camera roll from a year ago, and I can’t quite say that I’ve lived, like actually been present in this past year. I think back and it’s felt like I’ve been on autopilot, cruising along with my eyes closed, not truly taking in the views. I don’t remember much of what happened. I don’t feel like I’ve done much, even though I have. Everything feels surface-level.
This past month woke me up quick, fast, and in a hurry. They say when it rains it pours. Well, it’s been pouring for your boy, one roadblock, one hardship, one heartache, and one sleepless night after another. I felt like life was slipping away from me for a good few months.
During this little season of rain that I was in, I found myself trying harder and harder to save myself. With each problem that sprang up, I would tighten my grip and put more pressure on myself to fix all my problems. It got to the point where I felt strangled in all my worries, which is funny because I thought I had learned how to avoid this. I guess I didn’t. I felt that I was trying too hard to just live, to just be. I was putting so much pressure on myself to be perfect; in the way that I act, the way that I think, and the way that God wants me to be.
I remember praying to God asking for His help. I asked Him to show me what to do, to show me what to think, and to show me how I should be living my life. And although I am less of a spiritual hippie and instead a follower of Jesus, I still believe that one of the ways that God speaks to us is through synchronicity, events or happenstances that are more than just coincidence. Lately, I have run into many situations in which letting go seemed to be the theme.
Let go, let go, let go.
Let go of your control over what happens in your life. Let go of the tight grip that you think is keeping you secure. Let go of your worries. Let go of opinions. Let go of the idea that you alone can save yourself.
Even writing this is difficult for me, and I’m sure reading it is for you as well. I can jot the words “let go” a million times and I don’t truly think that I know how to do what I am writing about. I can let go in some areas of life but keep a tight grip on others. I can say that I am letting go but am just loosening up my grip a little.
I don’t know. Truthfully, I don’t know anything. I don’t really know who I am right now. I don’t know who I want to be. I don’t know where my life is going. I just don’t have the answers. But I whole-heartedly believe that there is a higher power out there that does have the answers. So instead of trying so hard to figure it all out, I just want to leave it up to God and let the chips fall where they may. I imagine Jordan hitting the shoulder shrug with that smirk on his face as I write this paragraph.
So, for all of us struggling with control, let God handle the hard stuff. Just live your life and do your best. That’s all you can do. That’s letting go.
By the way, I don’t think this letting go thing is going to be easy by any stretch of the imagination. I think it’s going to take a good deal of effort, rather than just a passive mindset. It sounds contradictory, that letting go takes effort. It’s going to take constant reflection, reminders, and practice. Maybe I am wrong and that is why it’s so hard for me. I guess I can come back with an update soon. If you know anything about this, please let me know, I’ll take all the help that I can get.