I went through a good month or two of feeling like the most selfish person on the planet. I got stuck in a loop of only worrying and focusing on myself, losing touch with everybody and everything around me. I was talking to people, but I wasn’t listening. I might have been helping somebody, doing them a favor, but I was not actually doing it for them. I was thinking about how it was making me feel and how they would feel about me.
From the time I would wake up, from the time I would go to sleep, I was in my own world, and I remembered nothing about the day except what I was thinking. All the sudden, a week goes by, two weeks, a month, and I feel like I’ve done nothing, accomplished nothing, done nothing for anybody, not even myself. It’s a very hopeless, frustrating feeling, especially as a person that prides themselves on being a light for others.
It hurts to think about recent interactions with people and not being able to remember it as a genuine interaction, one that was pure, in the moment. I can’t tell you how many conversations I have had in which I can’t remember a single word that was said. But I could certainly tell you what I was thinking at the time. I’ll meet a person for the first time and have no recollection of their names, not because my memory is poor, but rather because my internal monologue was talking over the person, I was meeting. This happens in interactions with people close to me too.
I get that we can only think for ourselves, but there’s a big difference between this and being a narcissistic person, not able to even have a thought of putting on someone else’s shoes. I hate this feeling because that’s not who I am, or at least who I want to be.
Maybe it is, but I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to be a selfish piece of shit that only cares about himself. Even worse, a selfish piece of shit that only cares about himself but pretends to care about others. My vision of life and myself is to live authentically, not hiding behind facades. It seems like I brought my entire mask collection back out.
I love everybody. I cherish everybody. I’m ragging on myself right now because I need to let it out. I need to check myself to make sure that I’m still going down the path that I want to be on. I understand that if I see this problem and am aware of it, it is something that is probably not occurring all the time, otherwise, I wouldn’t notice it. That’s a good thing. It means I can change.
I’m tired of worrying about myself. I’m ready to start giving myself up to other people again. That’s when I feel the most like myself, the most alive. I’m ready to make new connections as well as fortify current ones as well. When I talk to a person, I want that interaction to be pure, in the moment, with no other thoughts clouding my mind. I just want to be genuine and curious about life, outside of myself. I’ll get back to it. If you feel like this too, let’s grow together .
