I’ve always preached putting yourself first in life, making sure that you are your best friend, making sure that you have yourself and your life figured out, making sure that you are living a life according to what you want. Today, I write to take that all back, I don’t mean that anymore…
The new truth that I have come to learn is that I am not in control. I am not the one calling the shots. Uh oh, here we go. Can’t go back now…
Despite any terminology you want to use, the truth shared by all religions and spiritual beliefs is that there is something outside of ourselves that is in ultimate control. As of the last couple of years, I have begun to accept the fact that there is a higher power that has meticulously crafted this universe and everything that resides in it. There is a connectedness that unites everything. I like to use the term ‘God’, it’s all encompassing.
I think a lot of us “spiritual warriors” and personal growth junkies envision ourselves living a life of purity and peace. Just, a clean, simple life. For me, I have found that the harder I try to live this life, the harder it is to achieve it, especially when it’s through my own will power. My own ego. I do well for a bit and then something happens, and just like that, I am back to my old ways, living for myself, doing things that I know I shouldn’t be doing.
It’s kind of like the Backward’s Law- the harder we pursue something, the further away it gets from us. Think about a time in life when you tried something for the very first time, like a game. You had no stakes or pressure in the game right because it was new! How could you possibly expect good results for your first time? But you actually did do well. You loved it. You want to play it again, because you did so great the first time. You play again, but this time, you have added some stakes to it, to do good again. And what happens? You sucked.
We can shape our desired lives, but we can’t control it entirely. And this is where a lot of my personal problems in life stem from, even now. I try so hard to control things that I can’t control. For one example, I want to be successful so badly. I don’t know what I want to be successful doing, but I want it. And I have been conditioned to equate “success” with “productivity.” If I am not productive, I am not successful. I start to believe that I must be doing something, all the time, because if not, then I will not be successful. Even worse, I will be a failure. And now I can’t even rest on my day off because I am so obsessed with working and being productive, whatever that means.
So, how can we actually pursue the things we want to do, without repelling it away? Well, you let go of the results. You enjoy the journey as if it were the destination. You just do things, and then somehow, some way, it will work out in your favor. Think back to a time in your life when you have done something. Then a couple months, a year, five years, ten years, you are in a position that could have only happened if you did that something a while back.
I feel that life is made of constant building blocks that get you up to the next step. If I hadn’t stopped playing basketball (which at the time really sent me into a dark place), I would have never gone to New York. If I hadn’t gotten to New York, I wouldn’t have found a passion for skateboarding. If I hadn’t found a passion for skateboarding, I would not have gotten a job in Lincoln, Nebraska that teaches kids how to skateboard. If I hadn’t gotten a job, in Lincoln, Nebraska, I wouldn’t have gotten to meet new people, visit new places, and create new experiences. And who knows what this is leading me toward.
What is responsible for that somehow that is making this happen? For me, there is only one answer, that encompasses everything from chance, to free choice, to determinism. God. Universal Consciousness. The Divine. Whatever you want to call it. All of eternity, past, present and future is already known. The choices we may make, the luck we may stumble across, the things that happen to us, are all known already.
I could have never predicted the things that have happened in my life, yet when I think back, everything that has ever happened to me has been almost miraculously calculated, very strategically timed and placed. Too calculated to not be calculated.
And so now I believe that is something out there, that we can’t see, that is doing the calculating and planning, or has done the calculating and planning. My life is already written, and every choice I may make, every person I come across, every day of my life, is leading me to the next chapter, unfolding before my eyes.
And here is the most beautiful thing that I have found. I worry less. About everything. I don’t worry as much about success. I don’t worry as much about not doing enough. I don’t worry as much about finding the love of my life. I am beginning to understand that everything that I am doing is what I should be doing. It can’t be any other way.
It’s like riding a wave. You can’t fight a wave. You can’t swim in the opposite direction of a wave. You have to just flow with it, letting it take you where it takes you. God is the water. The wave is the your life. Just ride the wave out and let the water take you where it’s supposed to take you. Only you can know, or feel, if you are riding the wave (peace?) or fighting the wave (anxiety?).
In living a life with this perspective, I have begun, emphasis on begun, to let go of my ego and my desires. I have loosened the grip that I have put on myself. I want to live a life according to the plan that God has set forth, without trying to fight it. Even if that means changing the plan that I have for myself.
There might be a day in which I put down my skateboard for the last time. There might be a time in which I write the last piece on this blog. Although I wish I could skate and write for forever, I am not upset about this possibility, because that would just be a part of the plan. Simple as that.
And to finish this off, I am not trying to force my beliefs on any of you, I don’t like that. I’m just telling you my life experience and things that I have discovered in my own life. And I don’t think what I have written is unique at all. This has made my life better, more enjoyable, less heavy. I encourage you to just try, try to believe that there is a higher power, that already knows how your life is going to be played out. Even if it’s just for a day or a week, just pretend. I think once you move past the feelings of vulnerability, maybe foolishness, you will find something incredible.
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
